You Are There

by: Tracy L.

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you are there.  you are always there.  I saw you last night in the eyes of a killer – a man that murdered the mother of his children…he had your eyes…the eyes that speak evil.  I pressed pause and studied his eyes, your eyes…I remember.

I smelt you last week – at the movie theater… I hid my nose in my sweat shirt…trying to escape you….I remember.

I saw you yesterday, today, last week, tomorrow in that economy size bottle of yellow Listerine, white bucks, used kleenex, worn undershirts, luxury american cars, staticky talk radio, coupons, rare bloody hamburger meat and potbellies…

you’re there -  always there…….there for my first kiss….

his yellow honda with black leather seats, editor of the high school newspaper, cute and innocent in a Jimmy Olson way…excited about his Georgetown future…so in crush with the freshman me.  Driving down a secluded road … heart racing – KROQ on the radio…trees reaching over the car…everything growing darker and closing in…shutting off  the engine – flipping off the lights.  brown eyes dancing with hope and desire – baby like curls …leaning toward me… lips touching mine….the press of the seatbelt – trapping me….panic boiling red…smacking him hard – kicking him in the head…. screaming….I remember.

you were there….

when I moved in with him and he ordered me to take another shower – never clean enough.  I was dating you – a younger you…you both like to play the same games…twisting and turning me lower and lower so I believed that no one would ever think I was beautiful or smart or free…that noone would ever want me except you…numbingly loveless sex night after night …

you were there…

last night when I begged for sleep. Closing my eyes I see your face.  Rolling over and feeling where you would sneak in to touch me. Pressing my arms tightly to my side, guarding myself from you…Grinding my teeth tighter and tighter bracing  for when you will come with your visit…never knowing if this is the hour or the next  when you will crack open my bedroom door.  I know you are watching me…I  feel your eyes…watching me – always watching me….

you were there

when he told me my vagina was beautiful -  his tongue on the scar from your rape of  such a small child. ..you were there as he tried to make me forget the pain and feel the pleasure….you are there….