To the Man who Raped Me

by: Kacey Coffin

 

To the man who raped me,

I wanted to start this by saying dear and your name, but I don’t feel as if you have earned the right to be called by your name. There is a concept of your true name, and to know someone’s true name is to know their soul. You have not earned the right to be called by any name. When you shatter the soul of a child and leave her to put the pieces back together over 22 plus years, you no longer have the right to your own soul.

I believed that I couldn’t speak of the things you did. How it felt nice to be paid attention to. How I felt loved. How when you stuck your fingers inside me it felt good. That even when you stuck your dick down my throat and I gagged, a part of me felt glad that I was making you happy. I don’t remember the day that you raped me. I don’t know where my mind went that day, where it floated away to. My body used to remember – the nightmares, the flashbacks. The first time a boy kissed me and I felt ashamed and dirty. When I started to realize that I liked sex but didn’t understand that was okay. My body still knows all the things that you did.

Abby, that is what I call my “little girl” now. She has earned her true name by not breaking. by being strong. She wanted to rage and scream and fight, but couldn’t find her voice then. Confusion and pain mixed with the physical feelings of pleasure made her unable to speak. Hear her now. She is not silent. You have not won. You have no power over her. And in fact you never had any power over her. You never knew her true name. You never touched her soul or her heart. You may have thought you succeeded in breaking my soul forever-ruining me, destroying me, driving me to scar myself physically. What you don’t realize is that you didn’t win. You had no power.

I have been afraid to look at my soul. Afraid to let anyone else look at my soul. Afraid to let anyone into my heart. The “what ifs” always creeped in. What if they looked at me and saw you instead? What if they looked into my heart and saw that it was broken and black. I waited to be rescued, from you, from everything, never knowing that I didn’t need to be rescued. The fear of you and my own self made me feel powerless. Made me want to kill myself, hurt myself and prayed for some white knight to take me away and make it all better.

You never had any power or control over me, you only perceived that you did. I thought for so long that you owned a part of me because of that. That you did hold power onto a part of my soul.

But you see, I have won. Because my soul is whole. I know my true name. I know my truth. I will learn to speak my truth always and believe my truth always. I will never again be afraid to feel or love. I will love with my whole self and let my whole self be loved. I am whole again. I am not in pieces.