My Story

by: K. Long

 

I don’t know when it started. I don’t know how. The only way I even know any sort of date is based on an entry in my journal. The year is 1984. I was 11. I don’t know if that was the first time or the 100th time it had happened. It continued until I was 16. It stopped for two reasons: the first being that we moved into a house where I could lock the bedroom door; the second reason being that I got my drivers license and a car. I was no longer trapped. Before moving, it wasn’t limited to just the house. We lived on a farm and he would approach me anywhere we were alone together – the neighbors house, the barns on our farm, the woods, my horses stall, etc. There was really no safe place if it was just the two of us. He is my older brother.

I grew up in a strict church – similar to Amish only with cars and electricity. We didn’t talk about sex – it wasn’t supposed to be happening. We didn’t confront anyone about anything – turn the other cheek. We had male and female roles – the female role was to be submissive to the male. Because of all this, I feel or have felt at some point:
- Like there was no God because if there was, surely this would not be happening
- Different
- Depressed
- Unable to feel / don’t know my emotions
- Afraid of feeling – that my emotions will overwhelm me
- Like a prostitute who sold herself out for so little
- Ashamed
- Physically, my body responded to it and I liked the feeling
- Unloved for who I really am because I feel like no one fully knows me
- Afraid of how people will react and like that is my responsibility
- Protective – of me, my younger sister, my family from the shame of it all

I coped by becoming:
- Master secret keeper
- Perfectionist who is ultra disciplined but constantly fights internally between this and just completely losing control
- Controlling – especially my emotions and surroundings
- Relationships – physical attention and good feeling = love – – this has been the hardest thing to get over – like my body betrayed me but yet at the same time, this became my new pursuit in any relationship
- Overeater

There is a Casting Crowns Song that I love titled “Does Anybody Hear Her” that has a verse in it that goes like this:
“She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She’s another two years older
And she’s three more steps behind”

I’m tired of feeling like I’m older but three more steps behind. I’ve read a ton of books about abuse and the effects of it. I’ve written in my journal about it at least a million times. I’ve tried therapy. All of these things, I had done alone. It wasn’t until I shared with others who had been through the same thing that I truly began to heal. I am tackling the impact of the abuse with my new support system. It is time to stop the secret, deal with my remaining issues, and start thriving in life.