Save Me Now (He still Loves me)

by: Felicia Smith

Have you ever noticed that when you’re unhappy and your life is falling apart around you, it seems that everyone else is happy? As I sit in a restaurant full of people, people of all shapes, sizes, and colors. Looking around everyone is laughing, smiling you’re surrounded by everlasting joy and all you want to do is jump off a building that is surrounded by water, hoping that you hit the very bottom not wanting to ever surface the top.

As you continue to observe the people that do not live in your reality. You notice a woman with a coach purse. It was the same one you saw earlier in the week, that you fell in Love with, back when your life had meaning. Looking down at your common wal-mart bag your thinking “This broad got my purse!” knowing that it was very much hers. She or someone that loved her had spent 475 dollars for the handbag you wanted. Focusing your attention somewhere else, why are you here? You ask yourself. Not hungry you would rather sleep. Your friends had been trying to take your mind off of what haunts you. “They meant well” is what you kept telling yourself. They had already told you that you needed to let it go. It was clear that they had a lack of understanding. Going back in time your emotions began to consume you and you’re experiencing that day all over again. Hell catches up with you……..

Ditching my friends waking up from a nap, unaware of my choices, where do I go from here. Questioning if my heart is still beating, I was full of Insanity. Needing some kind of peace, I had been sitting on the kitchen floor for the past 45 minutes….crying, weeping, pleading with God. Does he love me? Does he want me? How do I move on? Does he NOT see me on this floor? Still wanting answers to my questions, he never replies. Wanting and wishing my pain away. What options do I have, Hearing the voices in my head telling me to go ahead and end my pain all I wanted to do was sleep anyway, Tired of the nightmares. I needed sleep. Desiring relief, unscrewing the top of the prescription bottle I had given myself a headache. Fully aware of my decision, just wishing I could be normal again. Pouring the controlling substance in the palm of my hand, there is a total of 15 pills. Counting them one by one, I am at war here. It is obvious, my flesh vs. my mind both standing toe to toe. Knowing my destiny, not sure of my fate. I desired relief. Still on the kitchen floor, I began writing a letter that explains my agony. My thoughts began to consume me. Ready to accept the destiny I choose. I take the first five pills. My headache increases, not able to bear this death dying pain, I take the next five. The room begins to spin. Not able to control the inner me or outer, I have lost all control and I made a choice. Deciding to finish the job, I take the last five. Laying in the floor, the last tear comes from my eye. “What did I just do” I think to myself, not able to move, paralyzed in my real life nightmare. Slipping away my time was scares. Dealing with the consequences of my choice. God was the only one who could save me…..

Seeing the bight lights, hearing the voices; “ma’am can you hear me?” hearing this voice, not knowing where it’s coming from. “What did you take ma’am?” the unrecognizable voice says again. “I’m here to help you, I’m a Paramedic.” The voice says….. There goes the answer to my questions.