Collected Poems

by: Stefanie Jane M.

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Deep Within

There’s a little girl, deep within
Unaware, of how to begin
No good on the defend
Not sure how far she’ll bend
Before she’ll break
Those that need will take
What they want
She doesn’t flaunt it
But the daunting reality
Doesn’t steal her desire
To cross the fire
To the unknown
Where feelings are shown
And your covers blown

Your morbid fixation
Has caused humiliation
Did you ever stop and see
Why you do these things to me
Where do you get your thrill?
From this sprit you try to kill?
If this were love like you claim
Then I wouldn’t be in this much pain
Do you look into my eyes and see the disguise
Or do you like to pretend I’m your special prize
That you’ve earned
Making my stomach churn
If only I weren’t so afraid
I’d love to ruin your parade
Instead I’m left confused and used
But my spirit won’t break
There’s no way for you to take
All of what God gave
Because he’s made me brave
So I won’t give it all away
And there will be a day
That I‘ll be lifted
To a place, where I’m gifted
And I can face the trace
That was left behind
But now’s not the time

If I believed what he said
I would have ended up dead
I often heard how stupid I am
Yet he was unwilling to lend a hand
Never mind that in time
I will get it through my thick mind
Why haven’t I fled beyond these trees?
Where I seek refuge from the abuse
That you set loss on my skin
I was too young to defend
So did it make you feel powerful?
When we were powerless under your fist
Grabbing my little wrist
Leading me to your doom
If mom weren’t home
To your room
Where I’d have to consume
All your fierce rage
You never knew how to cage

I can still hear what you’ve said
Ringing through my head
If you had your chance
You would have pranced
On my grave
Claiming I couldn’t behave
But I gave into your sick wishes
Giving you all of your sick kisses
In unmentionable spots
Turning my heart to rot
Not speaking of what was real
Or what I truly did feel
In a box I had to hid
Unable to understand inside
I was too young
For you to use my tongue
Back then the torture had just begun
The gun has often looked
Like the right chapter for this book
But the pages remain blank
And often when I tank
The pages stair back at me
Laughing at my misery
I only have you to thanks
But now that you’re gone
I try to remain strong
So I can deal
With what I had to conceal

I just want to be fine
Forgetting all about the rhyme
The story of my bad mood
How people had been crude
It’s become a bore
How I’m always tore
I hate feeling this way
I want to remember how to play
But today it seems so far away
Mix me; fix me, and trick me
Tinker here, tinker there, I don’t care
Whatever you have to do
To rid me of my blue
I hate how I can be
Isn’t it plan to see?
I just want to be fine
All the time
Not just when I pretend
See the monster under my bed?
He didn’t just jump from my head
I’ve never fled the nightmares
I stair it down, standing my ground
But it’s not simple to be so strong
When a war inside makes me feel so wrong

Doors to Explore

Hope can flout by
Sometimes too high
For this butterfly to fly
Making me want to cry
But I’d rather hide inside
Where no one gets to know
What feeling really grow
No matter what they say
They’ll never get my ways
This isn’t the way I like to play
But I’ve been through it enough
I know when to give it up
Yet you don’t think I give
All that is effective
I don’t want to miss use
Or abuse this crafted love
I don’t mean to shaft what we built
I just have too much guilt
Can I set myself right?
So we don’t have so many fights
Or is this reality out of my sights?
So I have to ask you to forgive
All that you’ve had to witness
All my aggressiveness
That I’ve repressed, stressed and obsessed
Over this mess
Down in my core
I’m truly sore
Sorry if it has become a bore
I have to explore
All of the doors
Before I can grasp
And make life last
Right past
Things that happened too fast
Stop beating yourself up
So what if things were rough
You can’t go back in time
Don’t let this ruin your mind
What’s done is in the past
Don’t let these feeling last
You’ll lose the future
If you don’t learn
From your mistakes
Praying that you make
The right move, the next go round
Before it takes you down
Mulling and pulling at these string
That binds the mind
Try releasing them over time
Let them naturally unwind
If you don’t, you won’t
Be anywhere for those that care
But if you dare
In the end someone will be standing there
If you don’t want to believe me
Then take away all your glee,
Go ahead and dwell
In your personal hell
Tell me, is it swell?
I am skeptic
You’re happy when it’s hectic
For yourself you must put up a fight
But remember…. Don’t be too uptight

God you crated me
To fill some need
You had for me
Some master plan
I don’t understand
But here I am
Working diligently
To be the person you want me to be
I’m only as strong as you empower me
I can only see what you show me
Yet I feel so weak
When I have nothing to keep
My mind busy
I get in a tizzy
Arguing with myself
Leaving personal welts
How I am supposed to feel
How am I supposed to deal
I question my own perception
Making no exceptions
I feel so crazy some days
I pray for you to take me away
But you want me to walk the edge
Yet all I do is dread
You seem to think
I’m not ready to sink
I don’t want to feel the sadness
The madness
Creeping into my everyday
Fighting to keep it away

Prove

There is always hope
Because I live to prove
To my God
That I’m worth everlasting light
I have wanted to give up the fight
When the pain was too much to bear
And no one that cared, dared to stair
Into these eyes and ask me why
Off, off they would fly, so high in the sky

One day I learned to stand
Taking the upper hand
Causing me to deal
With all the crap I could feel
Knowing I’m worth the fight
Makes me keep my sights
I feel I can change
If I learn to rearrange
My thoughts I have too much
About his nasty touch
Focus on what is here
And not the years of fear

Torture

Thoughts of you stir deep
Stomach aching
Pain staking
Feelings, too real
Unable to conceal
I can feel your breath
I pray for your death
Did you feel strong
Shaming me for so long?
A game you liked to play
Taking everything away
Do you look back and scoff
At all that you took off?
Did it make you proud?
Me not making a sound
Now that time is spent
It will be my intent
To make you pay
For all you’ve taken away
Don’t ask God for forgiveness
His love may be full of richness
But your lasciviousness
Is a witness
That the Devil is your rebel
With whom you belong
I know I’m not wrong
I need some peace
So I can release
What’s locked in my mind
My inner child’s been left behind
If she ever had a chance for birth
It may have all been worth
The torture you spawned
With your wicked wand
This one is for her
Even if she is a blur
Some folks get all the jokes
While others lose all hope
What makes us different?
And by who’s measurement?
I’m wondering why, so I’ll pry
I’m not afraid to try, for an alibi
I’m not jealous or rebellious
There’s no envy, you’re not my enemy
I just want to see
Why you get filled with glee
While other live with consent misery
That will guarantee
Their hearts to be oppressed
Living with their mess
That never comes clean
We don’t mean to make a scene
But it’s routine
So what’s seen through others eyes?
Is a big surprise
That doesn’t clear any of the fear
That is too near
There’s no rhyme or reason
That could change these lesions
So it is what it is
So tell me how do you get your fizz?

There are some that sit under the sun
They’re the ones who laugh out
And don’t walk around with too much doubt
While others can’t see past their pain
Driving them insane, unable to maintain
A consistent mainframe
So in a flash everything can crash
If your structures not strong
Because it’s hard to hold on
With nothing to grasp
Making it easy to collapse

Why Me

The man upstairs
The one to please
The one to fill my needs
I’ve often asked him
Why Me?

As the pages turn
I start to learn
Watching it unravel
I pick myself up from the gravel
He may have a plan
For which I’m willing to stand

But still why me
I still don’t see
I didn’t want to believe in fate
Maybe I had to much hate
Sis said it was so
But it was slow to show

Now it’s ticking to a rhythmic beat
I don’t just feel it in my feet
I’ve got his beat flowing in my wonders
Send him all my blunders
Now I’m reconsidering my thoughts
Which helps me feel less lost