No Regrets (for Haze)

by: Laura Tattoo

_

I’ve been homeless
I’ve been crazy
I’ve been so medicated
I lost the ability to urinate
and walked around with
a catheter in my urethra
for three fucking weeks

I’ve been tied to a table
injected and left for dead
until I could be a
proper patient again
the door set ajar three inches
just to let me know
that release was possible
if only I behaved and
withheld my rage

I’ve been beaten
for no fucking reason
by the bully I married who
thought I looked like Dylan
and when I fled into a blizzard
to escape his deadly blows
the cops locked me in a cell
for my own protection
and I yelled for a fucking
hour to let me out

I’ve been raped and pillaged
by three slick wicks at 14
and then thrown in the bushes
like an empty cigarette pack
hitchhiking my way back
at 5 am on an entrance ramp
to pick up my little sack of shit
and move on again
to someplace warmer
than Florida

I’ve been left in a crib
for days, wailing
until the wailing stopped
and peace descended
upon the house
but not upon my heart
for I’d simply given up
and I craved no more touch
then grew into a
raging 5 year old
who needed a play doc
to pick the locks

I’ve dived into a deep pond
and searched her mud bottom
for a loving mother
but I found that my own belly
could in essence hold a child
what a surprise
after the pelvic fire of gonorrhea
spread across my tubes and ovaries
and I was certain that
the scarring would prevent
any birth with
many an elegy written
to that feminine loss

And then I’ve been a mother
inadequate and bothered
but I never stopped
the kissing and cooing
and touching that every
baby in this cold fucking world
needs to grow into
a whole human being
and to a large extent
they’ve been my blessing
with an ability to know
truth and compassion
and to carry on in the dark
even when love has flown
and they feel upended

I’ve been the psychotic healer
bringing my life force into
my hot little hands and
landing on the trigger points
of all my believers, and then
I lost my ivory God
and with that loss
developed an inner strength
to carry on in the face of
death alone
without a scarecrow
to keep away my fears
just that old life force
streaming in hot tears

I’ve been in love
but never could love
and I blamed everyone
except my mother and father
for this inadequacy
but then I said “fuck it”
and developed myself into
a person who could feel
love unconditionally
that warm cashmere gift
of someone who is complete
and when my raging stopped
and his love remained
I learned to love deeply
and gave myself freely
trusting this love would stay

I’ve see a lot
in my small time
and regrets I have none
for who I was
and winter brings me
more warmth now
with its endless rains
and the cloud-filled sky
soothes my mind
instead of darkening my day

and my poetry flows
from my lips well loved
and I ask myself:
what more could I need
than what’s before me now
this wide open window
and answer I breathe
into infinite space is
“Nothing”

~ 2/13/00

Visit Laura’s website : moineauenfrance.blogspot.com