SAAM Feaure 20: Ashley

Sitting

by: Ashley

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She is sitting. Sitting in a pew. Sitting in a pew thinking back on her life.

She sees a flash of images in her head.

They are ugly, they hurt her heart.

She is a child no more than 4 or 5. There is another child. They are playing a game. A game she knows is wrong. A game a man taught his daughter. A game no one should ever play. This is not a fun game. Yet she does it.

She does not stop it

She is now 18. She goes back to a room. It is dark here. There is a voice and a face. They hurt her to remember. She is scared. She was stupid to agree to come here. She wants to go home but she can’t bear the thought of what he will think. He touches her where she doesn’t want his hands. She screams in her head as she lays on the bead wishing she were dead. Yet she does it.. She does not stop it.

She is 20. He loved her he said. She knows it is wrong to be with him. She has to lie to keep it secret. She hates it, but he wants her. She needs to be wanted. He played his cards right and she believed him. He makes it her choice and she thinks for a long while. She has believed too many lies. Deep down she doesn’t want it, but she convinces herself she does. She gives herself away, never to be whole again. Yet she does it. She does not stop it.

She is 21 now. The guilt over her actions of late begin to build up and she needs release. She grabs the knife wanting to end it all. She can’t even do that right so she just cuts herself. The sight of blood is excilerating yet it hurts so much. She reaches out for help and is betrayed. She reaches out again and he is moving. She is floundering in this puddle of mud. She sinks deeper and cuts more. Nobody seems to understand her. She knows it is wrong. Yet she does it. She does not stop it.

She is still 21. Her arms have scars. Her heart has scars. Will they ever fully heal? She hears a voice calling to her and tugging on her heart. It has been there through everything. She has tried so many times to listen to it. This time she has to. She won’t make it if she doesn’t. She hears it clearly now, “I still love you, I never left you, through it all I protected you, I watched you, I cried for you, I cried with you, I died for you. You have no more guilt or shame. I took it for you. Lean on me and I will carry you. Sip from my fountain and be made strong. You are clean for I have washed away all your dirt. I love you…I love you…I love you…believe that I love you. I will love you no matter what you do. You can never escape my love. You can run and I will wait…wait for you to run to me instead of away. I love you precious daughter.” She does not stop it.

She is only 21 and she has found a place to rest in the arms of her Father. He loves her and she believes it. She is forgiven and she will live again. One day at a time. She is happy in her heart. She wants nothing more than to sit at His feet and listen to His voice sing over her. She will live for Him. And she does it. She does not stop it

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